Sometimes I feel as though life is flashing right before my eyes... for example... I felt like I had Emerson yesterday... and now its been five years. They just flew by. They were wonderful, full of so many amazing memories and experiences. I wish I could say the same thing about the month of September 2014. I literally was admitted to a hospital for all of it and I felt like I was robbed of an entire month of my life that I will never get back. Even months after the fact... I look back and think, I can't believe that happened to ME and how did I get through THAT. Once we had gotten back from St. George, I had appointments to see an oral surgeon and a neurosurgeon. After Meeting with Dr. Stosich, he strongly believed that I did not have trigeminal neuralgia and that I had a dead tooth causing a horrible infection that none of the 4 x-rays or MRI's I had previously had showed. He sent me to an endodontist that used a special 3D x-ray that showed the beginning of an infection forming in one location... though he didn't feel it needed immediate attention because I was on antibiotics and he couldn't access it with my jaw locked shut. He sent me home... I felt like I finally had some answers and that all I needed was a root canal... what I had felt from the very beginning. That night... my pain began to increase again and by morning I was back to my miserable self. I decided to go to the emergency room at IMC this time because Dr. Stosich had arranged to come in later that day and remove my tooth and clear out the infection. He did that and the surgery went well... however, he wanted me to stay over night just to be safe. The nurses thought he was crazy... All I had done was have a tooth extracted. I'm so grateful he did... things might have had a very different outcome if he hadn't. I had a really rough night and the nurses really fought me on the pain meds because they didn't like a pregnant person getting too much but I was in a ton of pain... a different pain this time though. I couldn't swallow or talk at all. They kept telling me a sore throat was normal after surgery and if I kept drinking water it would get better... it just kept getting worse. When I woke up the next morning... I had grown an entire new face on my left side. I panicked and sent a picture to my mom immediately (its the first one in this post). Calls were made to Dr. Stosich and he let them know that he was planning to come back in to do another surgery but wouldn't be there till later in the afternoon. It was just after nine in the morning and I was beginning to panic. It was becoming harder to breath. I asked Tanner to call the hospital missionaries so that they could help him give me a blessing. About 30 minutes after the blessing... Dr. Stosich walked into my room. He told me that he had back to back surgeries at Riverton hospital but one of them got pushed back an hour and he felt inspired to come and check on me with the little time he had. He said it was a good thing that he did because I needed to have an emergency surgery. He prepped me and told me that when I would wake up from this one I would be on a ventilator for a couple of days at least. I was terrified but trusted him completely. At that point, he should have gone down to the OR to prep but instead... he stayed by my side. My mom had just arrived and he was telling her what was going to happen... when I stopped breathing. The swelling had gotten so severe that it had closed off my air way completely. Dr. Stosich called the code and then jumped on my bed and tried to opened my air way. I still couldn't breath but he would gag me enough so that I would throw up and was able to get the tiniest bit of air in right after that would happen. He rode on my hospital bed the entire way down to the OR repeating this process over and over again. I kept waiting... wanting to pass out and it never happened. When I got to the OR... there was about 30 different people there, all with their own job. I shook my head saying yes they could take the baby if they had to to the OB team... the anesthesiologist attempted to numb my throat to place my tube... but couldn't. They tried placing an adult tube while I was sitting up and couldn't get it in... then they tried a pediatric tube and finally got it in place... after which, they finally knocked me out. As promised... I woke up in the ICU on a ventilator with two drains in my neck. I went in the next day for a third surgery to clear out more of the infection and extend my drains even deeper. I ended up staying in the ICU for 7 days on the vent. Each day they would test my breathing to see if they could remove the tube and I failed each time. It was so frustrating... but I was so grateful for the tube. Rather than focus on the crappy time I spent in the ICU.. I will just share some highlights or stats. I went a total of 11 days without food or nutrition when I was 30 weeks pregnant. I ended up losing 12 lbs. from the day I was admitted until I was discharged. Due to the sedation drugs... I liked the room to be at 55 degrees... freezing out anyone that came to see me. I had many visitors and was pretty much with it the whole time... despite the serious sedation drugs they were giving me. Every doctor that walked into my room was shocked by my level of consciousness and ability to communicate. The baby was monitored almost constantly and did amazing... didn't seem to mind the drugs or everything that was happening to me. Dr. Stosich came to check on me every morning... he was always the first person to visit. One of the mornings towards the end... we were having our usual one on one chat using my cell phone... when he shared with me how much he had been prompted by the spirit that whole day of the second surgery. I told him that I had been given a blessing not too long before he had come and we both recognized that I was truly blessed and watched over that day. This is not something I ever want to experience again... but the whole thing changed me and I am grateful for the things I learned. Below are several pictures of me (please no making fun... some are pretty bad and I have never looked worse) and my support teams. Below that is a little something I wrote the last night I was in the ICU before my tube came out. I was too nervous to sleep so I just wrote down a few thoughts.
These last few weeks, I have learned that Heavenly Father had a lot to
teach me... Mostly about learning to be more patient... But also how to
hand over the control. Of my kids... My house... My life. Nothing has
been on my terms for the past couple weeks... How or what I feel... When
or what or if I eat. I have had to learn to solely rely on others to do
this for me... And they can. Everything can all work when I'm not
there controlling all of the strings. I have also learned that I can fail. I
have always passed that test or excelled in academic ways... Failure
wasn't an option... Or even a thought. But these past weeks as I failed
test after test (breathing).... I've learned that it's ok. I don't have
to always get it right the first time. I can take my time, take it
slow. Pause to take in all that I might be missing because I was
hastily moving too quickly towards my end goal. I have learned the value
of LIFE. I literally had moments when I thought to myself... "Ok,
that's it.... Can't do it anymore." And I just wanted to die. And then
that moment came (more than once even) that I actually thought I was
about to die.... And it scared me to death. I wasn't ready. Moments
where I had to mentally... And actually.... Tell them that if things
went wrong, they had my permission to take the baby safely. That my
test was now finished and I had served my purpose. But Heavenly Father
wasn't done with me yet... He still needed to try and test me. Spending
days and days just lying in an ICU bed... Waiting. Visitors would come
and go.. So appreciated... My team would alternate shifts... Mom,
Tanner, sub... Mom, Tanner alternate. Always someone there to hold my
hand when respiratory would suck the life right out of me. The hardest
swaps being when my mom and Tanner would trade places but have the
kids... They would be right outside my window... Unable to come in and
provide the smallest moment of relief... So close yet so far. Wonderful
doctors that noticed my breaking heart and did an ultra sound so I
could at least see one of my sweet babies. Each day noticing I was
getting better... But not good enough... Finding the smallest joys or
recognizing even small accomplishments (standing next to bed..
Dancing). Finding beauty and depth to things I normally take for
granted. I could just sit and think about all the things I wanted to
change... All the things I would change... And basically what matters
most. Before all of this... I loved Tanner and I knew he loved me... But
I saw a depth and a love without limits or restraints. An all
consuming... Do whatever it takes... Be whatever it takes... Kind of
love. I watched him be brave for me... I occasionally saw his weak
moments when it was even hard for him. I already knew he would go to
the ends of the earth for me... But I witnessed him DO it and there are
no words to describe how that feels. As a parent... I already knew the
love my parents had for me throughout this whole process. I have
always known their love... It was never a secret and always expressed.
However, as a parent, I can't imagine having to watch the things they
had to watch happen throughout this process... My mother standing there
as the code was called and the doctor jumped on my bed to open my air
way... Racing me down the hall... Still not breathing... Jammed in an
elevator... Crash cart rushed in.... Waiting for eternity.... Or an
hour... To hear that I was ok. I can't even imagine. Watching them do
surgery after surgery... Test after test... Without having answers.
Watching your baby suffer through the pain, fear, anxiety of it all...
Unable to do anything but hold a hand... Adjust a bed... Just watch. As
the person who experienced all the pain... The conscious tube insertion
being the worst at a 15 out of 10... I think my parents suffered more.
No one should have to watch anyone, let alone a child, endure that.
Something else I learned the value of was my voice.... Who knew I talked
so much? It was so hard to not be able to say what I needed to. To
just answer simple questions. I learned that I could get around it...
Thank you technology and sign language. I learned that I didn't always
need it.. Some things just don't have to be said. I learned that every
word counts... So make it count.
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